Selena Gomez may be an Emmy-nominated actress, singer-songwriter, and the most-followed woman on earth (on IG), but she’s not immune to hardships–and she doesn’t shy away from sharing them with her 424 million “Selenators.” Selena first spoke about living with lupus (an autoimmune disease that causes the immune system to attack healthy tissue and can cause inflammation and pain in any part of the body) with Billboard in 2015, and she’s been open about her experience with the chronic illness since. She also disclosed that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2020 during an episode of Miley Cyrus’ Instagram Live show Bright Minded. So to no surprise, her latest interview–the September 2024 Vanity Fair cover story–revealed a lot of vulnerability and lessons on life.

Overall, her resilience shines through the Vanity Fair interview, along with some words of wisdom I actually took notes on (I also have an autoimmune disease—Crohn’s—and have had my fair share of mental health struggles because of it). Keep reading for nine powerful mental health lessons from Selena’s latest interview with Vanity Fair.

1. Talk about people you love more than you talk about yourself

You know those people who think the world revolves around them? Selena is not one of them. Selena’s friend and Emilia Pérez costar Zoe Saldaña told Vanity Fair that she doesn’t fit well in circles where people only want to talk about themselves. “Selena’s not like that,” Saldaña said. “She’ll show you 300 pictures of her little sister and parents and grandparents.”

Communicating your positive feelings for others through words or actions does more than just make them feel good—it improves your own physical and mental health, like lowering blood pressure, boosting the immune system, decreasing stress levels, improving mood, and enhancing brain functions. According to research conducted by Kory Floyd, a professor in the Hugh Downs School of Human Communication at Arizona State University, expressing affection—be it writing a letter, hugging, or saying positive words about someone you care about—provides protection against the effects of stress; highly affectionate people don’t produce as much cortisol and their blood pressures don’t increase as much as people who are less affectionate.

2. Give yourself grace if you don’t make your goals

At the time of her Vanity Fair interview, Selena was taking a break from Instagram. But because she has a tendency to get back on the app less than 24 hours into her social media hiatuses (another relatable quality), she’s chosen not to announce it to the Selenators this time around. “I learned not to say that anymore,” Selena said, acknowledging her habit of not following through on her social media boundaries and that she accepts it.

Maybe you, too, have found yourself cheating on your social media detox time and time again. Maybe you haven’t been working out consistently or eating as healthy as you’d like. Or, maybe you totally bombed your job interview. Instead of holding onto the past, whether that looks like dwelling on not fulfilling a goal, past mistakes, or embarrassing moments, think about how even the worst moments have made you a stronger and overall better version of yourself. After all, you don’t get anywhere by beating yourself up for not doing what you wanted or showing up as you expected. Giving yourself grace is an ongoing process that involves not only forgiving yourself and recognizing you’re deserving of the same patience and understanding you show your friends, but also setting realistic expectations and challenging negative self-talk.

3. Find relationships that feel like light

In her interview, Selena also openly discusses her relationship with her music producer boyfriend, Benny Blanco. “I’ve never been loved this way,” Selena said. “He’s just been a light. A complete light in my life. He’s my best friend. I love telling him everything.” Then, there’s her longtime friend, Taylor Swift, who she seeks advice on music or how to navigate new friendships from and breaks down the latest season of Vanderpump Rules with. “She is really like a big sister to me,” Selena said.

The toxic people in your life (a manipulative friend, a pessimistic coworker, a narcissistic partner) will drain your energy, make you question your sense of self, not respect your boundaries, and only take from you. On the flip side, sharing your life with people you share mutual respect, honesty, trust, empathy, similar values and goals, and open communication with means developing healthy relationships and supporting living your happiest and healthiest life possible. So take stock of your inner circle, and let go of any relationships no longer serving you to make space for the ones that only contribute to your growth and well-being.

4. Grief is not just for losing loved ones; it’s also for what we thought our lives would look like

Even before her romance with Benny, Selena shared that she had planned to start her own family by the age of 35. But the way she envisioned becoming a mom isn’t possible: “I haven’t ever said this, but I unfortunately can’t carry my own children,” Selena said to Vanity Fair. “I have a lot of medical issues that would put my life and the baby’s in jeopardy. That was something I had to grieve for a while. It’s not necessarily the way I envisioned it. I thought it would happen the way it happens for everyone. [But] I’m in a much better place with that…”

While the most obvious form of grief is after the death of a loved one, it can also look like mourning not having children like you imagined, a partner in it for the long haul, a career you’ve worked toward, or any other dream or goal. When your life isn’t going to plan, it can be painful and difficult to cope with and accept. But acknowledging that some things are out of your control, detaching yourself from the idea of what was or could have been, and shifting your attention toward self-compassion, acceptance, and openness to the unknown are key to working through the grief. Loss looks like many different things in this life. Give yourself the permission and compassion to mourn.

5. Being vulnerable is one of the strongest things you can do

The 2022 documentary Selena Gomez: My Mind & Me was originally meant to be a fun, light-hearted depiction of her 2016 Revival tour, but it ended up bringing to light her struggles with panic attacks, anxiety, and debilitating depression. “My mind was not right and chemically imbalanced, and it was really difficult,” Selena told Vanity Fair. “People were calling me a victim. That frustrates me, because being vulnerable is actually one of the strongest things you can do…I have my days like everyone else, but I’m no victim. I just survived a lot.”

Vulnerability is both the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment and the source of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity. “When we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives,” psychologist and best-selling author Brené Brown wrote in her book Daring Greatly. Putting yourself in vulnerable situations can help you get to know yourself better while cultivating human connection and strengthening your relationships. Whether it’s sharing personal details about your struggles like Selena, taking chances that might lead to rejection, or being honest about what you need in a relationship, being vulnerable can also help you enhance your self-awareness and boost your confidence, resilience, and authenticity.

6. Temperature is a healing mechanism

While Selena’s mental health journey is ongoing, she has created an arsenal of tools and protocols to prioritize her self-care. According to her Vanity Fair interview, she loves using temperature as a healing mechanism and finds cold water or space heaters to be soothing at different times. A 2021 study shows that cold exposure, like cold plunging or taking a cold shower, can improve mood and overall psychological well-being while simultaneously diminishing feelings of distress and nervousness. The findings of a 2023 study suggest that whole-body heat treatment, similar to what you’d experience in a sauna, may benefit people being treated for depression. Combining the two remedies and alternating exposure to hot and cold temperatures (AKA contrast therapy), like a hot bath and cold shower or a sauna session and cold plunge, decreases cortisol (the stress hormone) production and helps the balance of the feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin.

7. Reminding yourself that you’re OK is a powerful tool

Selena also relies on one mental exercise to hit pause and center herself. “I remind myself that I’m okay,” she told Vanity Fair. “I ground myself for a moment. ‘Where am I? I’m sitting down in the office. Everybody that I love is out there. There’s food. I can get something to eat. I can take a nap here before I leave.’ I put myself into the present.”

Having a few go-to self-care tools in your back pocket means the quicker you can recognize the limiting thought or feeling and shift your mindset. Sometimes all it takes is stopping a few times throughout the day to check in with your body and mind and a little positive reinforcement to put things into perspective. According to multiple studies, self-affirmations have been shown to decrease health-deteriorating stress and bolster one’s happiness and meaning in life. A study in Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates that increasing mindfulness (AKA being present) enables you to distance yourself from overwhelming worries and fears, lessening the symptoms of anxiety and depression. In addition to saying affirmations, practicing breathing exercises, and engaging in mindful movement that helps you be in tune with your body, grounding techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 method can bring your focus in the now.

8. Mental health care should be more accessible

Selena’s makeup brand Rare Beauty donates a portion of its sales to the Rare Impact Fund, which aims to raise $100 million for organizations dedicated to providing mental health education and resources for young people around the world. “…There are a lot of people from every part of the world dealing with so much who are not properly educated on [mental health] and don’t know where to go,” Selena told Vanity Fair. “I want it to be accessible. There’s Planned Parenthood—that’s a resource for women. I wish we had a version of that for mental health… I have big dreams for what I would like to see.”

There’s a mental health crisis in the US: America’s Mental Health 2018, a comprehensive study of access to mental health care, indicated that American mental health services are insufficient, and despite high demand (more than 56 percent of Americans seek or want to seek mental health services either for themselves or for a loved one), the root of the problem is lack of access or the ability to find care. It also showed that the overwhelming majority of Americans (74 percent) do not believe such services are accessible for everyone, and 47 percent believe options are limited. The one bright spot? 76 percent of Americans perceive that mental health is just as important as physical health.

9. Let gratitude be your main motivation

Selena doesn’t lose sight of what’s good in her life: “I don’t want people to ever think I’m not grateful for what I have.” When you show gratitude for what’s already present in your life, you attract and find more things to be grateful for. A study in Journal of Happiness Studies shows that regularly practicing gratitude can enhance mental well-being and promote a lasting appreciative perspective on life. Another study in Emotion Review suggests that expressing gratitude can play a strong role in motivating you to engage in positive behaviors leading to self-improvement. Plus, it combats negative thinking patterns by keeping thoughts focused on the present.

According to Robert Emmons, a psychology professor and gratitude researcher at the University of California, Davis, there are two key components of practicing gratitude: affirming the gifts and benefits you’ve received and acknowledging that other people (or even higher powers) have helped you achieve the goodness in your life. So along with saying affirmations out loud or in your head (“I am so grateful for X”) or gratitude journaling (such as listing things you’re grateful for), share your appreciation with those who have contributed to where you are now.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Katherine Chang, Wellness Staff Writer

Katherine Chang is The Everygirl’s Wellness Staff Writer with over five years of experience in the health and wellness space. She navigates the latest wellness topics and trends through studies, articles, and is always first in line to try them firsthand.

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