The first time I watched 13 Going on 30, I knew I wanted to be just like Jenna Rink—you know, “big-time magazine editor!” I fantasized about going to my NYC office, putting in a couple of really good years, and eventually finding my way to the top. I thought that’s all it took—showing up and working hard, year after year, to find myself in a corner office. It wasn’t until I got my first big girl job that I realized landing a leadership position has a lot more to do with your skills than your seniority.

According to Grace McCarrick, a Work Skills Consultant, Creator, and Speaker, there is one soft skill that matters the most: Discernment. She claims that it’s the one skill that can make or break your move from middle management to senior leadership—but that most people can’t hack it. The TikTok video she posted about this was so spot on, it went viral—reaching 2.8 million views and counting. It even made its way to the FYP of senior leadership here at The Everygirl, and they couldn’t agree more with what McCarrick had to say about the crucial soft skill. So, what is discernment, and why do we need it to become successful? Here’s the lowdown:

What is discernment?

Having discernment, by definition, is the ability to make a smart judgment about something. More specifically, it describes a wise way of judging between things or having a particularly perceptive way of seeing things. As a senior manager, this is crucial, but in order to have it, you usually need a major mindset shift and a lot of practice. McCarrick explains this shift by saying that when you’re early in your career, “you’re trying to find every mistake and everything that could go wrong and see how you can improve it.” But once you become a senior leader, this switches. Your job is to only point out “things you can actively make a difference in and that have value to the people sitting in the room.” Basically, discernment requires you to be more thoughtful and aware so you can see beyond the surface.

Without discernment, you’ll likely come off as a complainer, airing out all the problems that need fixing instead of offering solutions to those around you. McCarrick says this can make you look “incredibly juvenile,” in front of other senior leaders. It’s a make-or-break skill that requires active listening and self-awareness, but unfortunately, it’s not a skill that’s trained. You have to work on it daily, even after you reach the top.

5 ways to improve your discernment

Say less

The most effective way to work on your discernment is to zip it. The more time you spend talking, the less time you spend listening. For a lot of people, this is easier said than done. When you’re so used to bringing up every problem, not saying anything can make you feel like you’re not contributing, but it actually allows you to see the bigger picture.

“Not saying anything can make you feel like you’re not contributing, but it actually allows you to see the bigger picture.”

The next time you’re meeting with your team and you feel the urge to speak, take a step back and consider these three questions, as recommended by one commenter on McCarrick’s video: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said now? If the answer is yes, let other people speak first because what they have to say might change your mind.

Observe people whose energy you appreciate

Whether you’re sitting in a board room or on a remote call, take a moment to consider who you admire and why. How do they speak? What do they bring up? Odds are, you’re not looking to the person who is constantly complaining about every little thing. Instead, you might notice how well someone is listening, and what they contribute to the conversation once they do speak. Maybe there is an industry leader you follow online whose energy you admire. As you practice your own discernment, it helps to observe those who have this skill nailed down.

Take yourself out of the equation

As a senior leader, your job is to observe what matters to the people around you (including employees and stakeholders). To do this, McCarrick says you have to “stop applying your version of the world on top of [your] work environments.” Your version (or perspective) is only a small part of the equation, and other people have their own. You have to allow space for other people’s experiences in order to come up with a solution that benefits the team as a whole. If you are too distracted by your individual perspective, you’ll miss out on key issues.

“You have to allow space for other people’s experiences in order to come up with a solution that benefits the team as a whole.”

Assess your priorities

There are a lot of problems to fix in the workplace—your job is to determine which ones are worth prioritizing. What is minuscule versus what will move the needle? Oftentimes, small issues are part of a larger problem. Take a look at your workweek and see where you’re spending the most time. Are you constantly head down, crunching numbers, and fixing holes in the system? If so, take a step back (and take a deep breath, while you’re at it too) and reprioritize so your focus is set on the bigger picture.

Keep practicing

“Soft skills are a muscle,” according to McCarrick. You won’t wake up one day and have discernment; it requires constant practice to become good at it. So continue to observe the people you admire, set a goal to say 10 percent less in the next meeting and 20 percent after that, and keep working at it. Eventually, the problems and mistakes you were used to speaking about before will seem like small potatoes compared to the larger, overarching issues you’ll be capable of tackling next.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor

As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.

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